There’s a criticism I sometimes see from smart alecks online, concerningLimited Run Games. See these people get it in their heads that a company dedicated to the history of games, doing the good work that needs to be done to preserve art, should be raked over the coals just because their shipping is fairly slow; you may end up getting your order months after you expected and could have just saved time buying digital.
Well, the joke’s on you this time, naysayers! Because many customers have already received physical copies of aremastered3DO title, while the digital versions won’t be out until March. That title is the 1993 not-quite-FMV game Plumbers Don’t Wear Ties, and it’s hilariously awful.
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Plumbers Don’t Make Sense
Plumbers Don’t Wear Ties is a game where– in Plumbers Don’t Wear Ties you have to–. OK, I don’t have a goddamn clue what this game is supposed to be.
It’s like a choice-basedvisual novelwith full voice acting, but the cutscenes are grainy photos that never move, aside from a sultry intro video from lead actress Jeanne Basone (professional wrestler and stuntperson). These still images also occasionally bug out in trippy colors. It might have been an art statement, but this is Plumbers Don’t Wear Ties we’re talking about, so I think what actually happened was someone messed up those pictures and no one bothered to color-correct them.
The script is also loaded with alleged jokes that range from racist, sexist, and then just plain nonsensical. Oh, did I say the jokes? I meantthe entire script.
Your goal, being a simple romance, is to make the right story choices so main characters John and Jane end up happily ever after. Leaps of logic just fully change whatever was happening only a moment ago, and then the game has the audacity to claim this was all your fault! There is a constant barrage of the narrator insulting you for picking the wrong choice out of the two or three that were presented to you. He’ll mock your prowess at real-life romance for not being able to decipher the batshit reasoning.
Take the very first interaction John and Jane share for example. The correct answer is that John makes the first move, where he even pretends to have a different job (he’s a plumber, but with a necktie, so he pretends he’s a freelance accountant). Not too wacky in terms of rom-coms, but somehow if you pick Jane to make the first move, she slyly makes a great impression on him that makes him feel they are meant for each other, but then also makes him judge her promiscuity, and then immediately after say he’s in love anyway. The narrator will call you a loser for no reason, as this encounter is barely different and yet somehow not good enough.
And then,the two just somehow don’t interact again for several minutes and fantasize how different it would have gone if they were different people. For no reason, and it’s a longer segment than the opening of the game had been. All the wrong choices are this insultingly nonsensical, and some choices are even morally questionable. To top that off, the narrator will continue to insult you even when you get it right! He’ll claim that only a depraved loser would pick these disgusting options, that you’re some monster who demands to see some skin, all while you’re screaming at your TV “I didn’t make the damn game!” There’s a point in the story where he’s seemingly killed by a hijacking narrator, a bad satire of a radical feminist who doubles as a vigilante planning on overwriting misogynistic stories. The old crappy narrator comes back to life and murders her with a water gun, which is an even bigger crime than it sounds, as while she’s also mean to you and a shallow parody, she’s a far more interesting choice of narrator. She’s even acknowledges how awful the game’s script is, though she also said she hated Harlequin romance novels, which is slander I don’t accept in my house.
Since nothing makes any kind of sense, there’s no satisfaction in picking the right options. The bad options aren’t funny, and they often have to take a weird turn out of nowhere just so they could be the wrong choice. As for if it works as a cheap romance, one that tries to entice people with soft erotica, the game is as sensual as a sheet of sandpaper.
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“This Is Still Happening?!?”
Even though it has a kitsch kind of charm, its picture slideshow format does get boring quickly. Do you remember what it was like to sit down while a family member shows you pictures they took from some boring vacation spot? Yeah, that’s how Plumbers Don’t Wear Ties plays for about a third of the runtime or more.
Nothing happens during these montages, the game is suddenly afraid of giving you choices, or of having to get more voice lines out of the cast. That’s right, these montages are voiceless as well as stagnant, only playing some music you’ll get sick of within the first minute. I couldn’t be bothered to count the total minutes, but I’d be shocked if any of them were under five. They felt like 200 minutes, but it was likely closer to five.
Overall, do I regret buying a copy of a game that could very well have been lost to time? Well, the reversible art on the box is pretty good, so, ……. no. I dig it, but it’s very much an ‘I played it so you don’t have to.’
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